bust of a night

I really feel as though I live a meaningless life. I don't like it, yet its as though I'm content with living the way I do. I feel very anti-social. It's like I don't know how to BE social. It's quite frustrating. Maybe I just need to sleep or something. I'm cold.

i just think too much. i should stop and take a "chill pill". i'm being silly. i'm not sure what i thought or expected, but surely, my indecision will only make things worst. 

amor stricken?

i'm confused.

i feel as though i've been fed feelings on how to think and feel and behave. i doubt how genuine my feelings are sometimes. they are certainly a product of societal pressures, but then they are also harboured by inborne tendencies. perhaps, it is more society than human at fault. in any case, i feel at a lost about this guy. i know there is mutual affection for one another, however, there is also a sort of hesitancy in different forms. his because... he's lazy, complacent, indifferent, and mine because i'm not sure. as i'm writing this out, it is clear that i must not pursue this type of relationship. yet i am still hopeful that things will turn around. that he will go to school and work, that he will be honest of his feelings toward me and tell me, that we can talk and not be bored with each other. as it stands, there is no reason why we should be together, yet i am comfortable with him. his smile makes me smile. he is respectful and gentle. but then that can be just my head creating something out with nothing. i feel annoying sometimes, but that's only because i want him to talk to me.... maybe it's all a both to him. is it worth it, if i feel and think this way? do i want this?